I have got pictures in my heart that speaks a billion words...
or maybe its uncountable..
I wish to paint..
Like how i used to...
bringing my painting alive...
conveying the message of how i feel..
cause i'd never find any words to match my feeling, my mood.
but, i'll never have a chance like that,
because i can no longer afford small little things that i want..
Yes... i am meeting finacial problem..
Not my family.. but me..
I hate people paying for me..
I hate coping people's food...
it makes me feel like I am a hungry bird...
at some particular hawker centre... or any food centre
pecking people's food away.
It makes me feel pathetic...

Neither do i wanted to depend on dear dear...
he maybe my dearest guy...
but i don't wish to spend a single cent of his..
cause its not exactly his..
and i never like to depend on people.

A picture speaks a thousand words..
I've got a lot of picture that i wish to paint...
cause painting makes me feel better(as words are never the best way to express of how i feel)
and no one can really tell what exactly i am drawing.. (cause i never like to share)
though my face may give in of the unhappiness that i have..
but no one has actually touch it..
to feel how hurt it is..


I MISS HAVING THE BIG CANVAS, BIG TUBES OF PRIMARY COLOURS AND THOSE BRUSHES THAT COMES IN DIFFERENT SIZES...
I miss everything about painting...
I miss sitting in greenlodge..


How nice would it be...
if a fragile heart was never being touched..
I know where all comes from...
but i have never know where to heal..
no one ever felt it..
no words can ever describe..
Now i feel that its never a scar..
cause it has never stop bleeding for the past decade...

I understand what that dream was all about..
I'm frighten...
I understand what was going on...
But i really don't know where went wrong...
I have tried many times to walk of this darkness..
but i can never do it..